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(no subject)
May. 14th, 2008 | 05:48 am
i lover her so much. i wat her so bad. i wanna be with her.
and then ill see a picture of them and she just looks so happy in a couple and its so upsetting.
she loves him. not me. and i hate that. but i have to live with it and cant stand it.
i wanna be the guy she has pictures with and looks happy
i wanna be the guy that she calls if shes upset or confused.
i wanna be the guy she loves and wants to be with everyday.
i wanna be that guy
ill never be happy when it comes to that.
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(no subject)
May. 13th, 2008 | 09:11 pm
music: A day to remember - a plot to bomb the panhandle
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(no subject)
May. 13th, 2008 | 06:50 pm
mood: 
blah
im suppose too be doing a paper but i pretty much got it covered so im not workin too hard.
i wish i drove. sometimes i feel like theres all these flaws about me that stops her from wanting me.
she wanted me to get her today from work and i couldnt. i felt bad. i hate that i dont drive.
i know it makes me more unreliable but im pretty reliable most of the time except for a few times like this.
Ugh. I hate holding this shit back. it sucks i cant talk to her about how i feel cuz then i look like an ass hole and break my promise to her and im not gunna do that to her.
I lover her so much. i really do. too much sometimes
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(no subject)
May. 12th, 2008 | 01:37 am
mood: 
calm
music: Karnivool - Themata
it was amazing. i didnt think it would be that good.
it was so original the way it was filmed like no other movie i've seen before.
pretty cool.
right now im home. smokin. lol
kari wont stop texting me to take her to prom still. fuck that.
if i dont wanna go she should leave me alone. the only reason she wants me to take her is cuz her friends are seniors and she wants to go chill with them at prom. im not gunna be used.
I know a girl
so beautiful and bright,
As she sits in her tree
and sips her green tea
she starts to play her guitar
Her hair is the color of an autumn night
and her eyes show the innocence of a fallen angel
Her smile is the sign of brighter days to come
and my love for her is one, no river can quench
She was a victim of my love,
and i also was to hers
her heart, stolen,
by another one's charms
She seems so happy on the other side,
as she kisses the lips of another,
My heart starts to drop
and everything stops
as i witness the death of our love once had
But, if i love her so,
i'll have to let her go
for hapiness is what is best
As i watch her go off into happier things,
i think to myself and realize,
The girl in the tree
who sips her green tea
is one i will love forever...
I was reading that today. remembering when i worte it. it was probably one of my most favorite pieces of poetry i ever wrote. and its still all true. when i wrote it before, it was about the same person it is now. and its still the same situation. i miss her. i miss being with her. and when im with her now, i love it. i saw her today and she looked gorgeous. i know some people if they saw this would say im a creep or something. but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone. at least im not obsessive or overly attached. lol. I love her. i can't help it.
One day... i know it will happen again. its odd cuz ive never pictured any girl in my future. but with her i can. i dont know why but she's the only person i could ever picture being married to. she's the type i'd wanna spend everyday for the rest of my life with. we both once said one day at 6 flags that we'd probably end up getting married one day. back then i didnt think much about it. i just tho9ught it was cute. but now i can actually see it.
She makes me laugh, she makes me happy. i get mad about things but thats just my own stupidity and being impatient. i suck at being patient. i hate waiting for things. when i want something i have to have it right then and there. and if not i'll just move on from it. but she's the only one i cant move on from and that i'll wait for. i probably shouldn't but im going to.
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(no subject)
May. 11th, 2008 | 08:22 am
mood: 
anxious
music: The Beatles - Something in the Way She Moves
i never thought i'd make one of these. i like talkin about my life and stuff but i'd rather not anyone see. so hopefully no one finds me out that i know on here.
its mothers day may 11
todays also been 2 months since my mom died. =/
Not the best day
I miss her a lot but i take it day by day. i thought i've been handling it well but i've recently come to accept the fact that im really just a mess all over. nothing has gone good since she died. everything just went down hill.
im just so unsure about life. not suicidal but just what is the point of my life?
i have no clue. everytime i try to picture my future i cant. it sucks. i just stay up everynight thinking about now, the future, and the past.
all i do is sit and smoke pot all day and loath my life and all the things in it. im losing friends, people ive known forever i just stopped chilling with. i almost feel like some of them just dont care or found "cooler" people to chill with. idk.
and adding more to my problems is my love life.
its been so fucked up lately.
but it kinda just now started to slow down. i realized i do not love dana. i really thought i did but i was so wrong. when we first started dating i liked her cuz she was sweet and really cute. we went out for 6 months and she cheated on me once and i was so attached to her. but when we broke up i realized that dana is nothing like me. shes a sweet heart and would always be there for me. but i just do not feel a connection with her, and our personalities are so different. her sense of humour, interests and stuff. i really dont think we were ever meant to be so i've recently let her go.
and then kari seemed like she was begging me to prom lately and not to go with dana but i just decided to not go to prom at all. i like kari and shes a great girl but i just couldnt go to prom with her and i thought about a relationship with her at one point but shes not really someone i could be with. we're too "friendly" i guess.
one girl that i have no problems with now is cait. i never thought she really appreciated my friendship but recently i saw her live journal thingy saying how she feels about our friendship and it made me feel happy to know i have a friend like her. if for any reason we end up not talkin to her i will always remember the nights talkin to her on the phone and the fun times we had together. i hope shes in my life forever. for a while i wanted to go out with her but i realized that i couldnt picture goin out with her as much as she couldnt picture it. i was just being dumb. i dont know why. i love cait tho. and i well always value our friendship.
i'm not gunna name the other girl just incase anyone really does find this. but i've fallen back in love with her. for years i have but shes always in a way kinda rejected me but i know she feels the same way which makes it even worse. ive never felt more chemistry and connection with any other girl i've met so far. i know her so well and she knows me too. we weren't talking for a long time but when my mom died we started talking again and she could of just not said anything but went out of her way to make me feel better and she didnt have to. i was angry at her for a while because of our past but ive realized she's changed and really is a whole different person but unfortunately she has to be with someone else which kills me all the time. shes always on my mind and i hate that shes with someone else but i have to deal with it. i have no choice. i love her a lot. and want to keep her in my life so im not gunna say anything or start any fights with her anymore. i just hope she comes to realize i've always been an amazing guy to her and i will continue to. i want to be with her so bad. i know now that we've both matured and now would be perfect for eachother. but im waitin it out, as much as i dont want to.
well shit. im mad tired.
i'm gunna nap.
hopefully my life straightens out soon. =/
